Archive for June, 2012

Repressed memories and writers block

Posted in Everyday Posts with tags on June 22, 2012 by g0y3r

Oddly enough, I absolutely dread writing. Does anyone else get this? “Oh, I love to read and write, I wanna be a writer one day, etc, etc” but when it comes time for you to actually sit down and write something it scares you shitless. Perhaps it is only me, but I do recall reading a short piece written by an editor of National Geographic in a 1977 issue. He wrote that every author should have a cluttered house, that needed to be swept and cleaned, and have the roof fixed and the gutters repaired. That way, they would always have something to procrastinate that big writing assignment they had to finish, instead of having a neat tidy home with no obstacles between them and the chore of writing. The article even had a little cartoon that was quite funny. It made me feel better hearing those things from a National Geographic editor, so that does mean I am not the only one who both loves/hates writing, but I still feel silly for it. Which leads me to the conclusion that I must have some sort of dark repressed memory attached to writing, and it is that memory that is pushing me away from the chore of writing. Hmm…let me open the back door of my mind and see what I’ve got back there….

Oh god…no…NO! AHHHHH!!! MAKE IT STOP! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I CAN’T SEE ANYMORE, MAKE IT STOP, MAKE IT STOP!

Whew…Okay, turns out I have many bad memories attached to writing, most of them relating to college, critical ex-girlfriends, and reading a draft written by a classmate and you suddenly realize your writing is shit and they are a god of the English language and will one day get a movie deal while you piddle away at a shitty blog.

Yeah…writing is not a game for pansies, there is much suffering.

Well that is my post for the week, I am starting to consider renaming this blog “The random musings of an angry drunk” but there may still be hope for me.

Ok, I’ve got to post something today

Posted in Everyday Posts on June 18, 2012 by g0y3r

Basically, I’ve been bored and kind of blue this week…or weekend…I’ve lost track of time, I only know when I’m suppose to go to work. Back to what I was saying, I have not posted anything lately and I don’t want to slack off again, so I am going to try to make something up. I have not had any motivation to do anything, so I feel like if I force myself to do something it might help. So yeah…I have been working as a lifeguard and mowing grass and changing light bulbs for Anson County. I’ve been avoiding my wonderful bottle of Kraken rum, as it could be the cause of my current blue funk? Maybe not, I’ve only had a couple mixed drinks over the course of a week…Yeah, I guess it isn’t, but still I don’t want to be drinking because I feel down, I want to drink because I feel like having a drink, not because I am bored/depressed. Well that’s 162 words of talking to myself, I think that almost counts as a post. I had some lofty thoughts I had thought about sharing…but a lot of it was either hateful or really deep and like the rum, I would like to avoid that for now. Okay, I guess I can crack open one egg, since most people have figured this out anyway, and I would feel better having released some of my feelings.

I really hate the bible belt.

I’m not an atheist (yet) but I have pretty much renounced every bit of my faith that I grew up with, and at one point was very devout and passionate about. Hell, I wanted to be a missionary, that was my calling in life at age 16. Perhaps I should have stayed on that path haha. I mean it would have been quite a life to lead, and even if everything you believed was rubbish, at least you did something with your life you thought was meaningful. Also on that note, most of the work missionaries do (at least that I know of) does have a positive effect on peoples lives. The same could be said for America, and I do say COULD with much emphasis. Because I do hate the bible belt, and all these hypocrites, fanatics, and outright morons. I hate the church, and I think we could do without quite a few of them. I left the faith partly because of the people, and partly because I did not want to be a hypocrite. I do not agree with everything in the bible…I do not think that god is all that perfect, considering that he shows many of the traits that we humans are not allowed to have like anger, pride, jealousy, oh and lets not forget,  genocide. Perhaps I am being quick to judge; but that is for me and god to work out I suppose.  So yeah, I tried very hard to follow the word and do what I was suppose to do, I really got quite passionate about that stuff, but…I had doubts, I had questions, and the church hates those things. So I said enough is enough, and honestly, I have been much happier for it. I like sleeping in on Sundays, and I like being able to live in a way that makes me happy without worrying about things.

In many ways, I am comforted by the fact that there could not be an afterlife. It makes this life that much more precious, and it is soothing to me that once I die, I am dead. That is it, everything will finally fade to black and be over. And if I am wrong? Oh well, guess that is part of the journey. I will not live in fear and misery over something imaginary. I will live in a way that makes me a healthy and happy person, and live in a way that contributes to the well being of other people and the continuation of our species.

To each their own.

Why I’m looking forward to watching my friends grow up

Posted in Everyday Posts on June 14, 2012 by g0y3r

In the next few years I am expecting there to be several big moments in my life. Hopefully a couple of them will be finishing college and finding a cool job near the ocean, but there are some others that I get excited thinking about at night.

Like when my friends and brother get married. Oh man am I excited for that to happen! I’m pretty much against marriage for myself, just not something I want to do, but now when my buddies get hitched I’m probably going to be happier than they are about it. I’m not sure why, I guess because I will enjoy living through them in a way, I may never get married or have kids, but when my friends do it will be just as exciting for me as for them. In fact I am thinking about getting some fine liquor and save it to celebrate the occasions. Have different bottles labeled: Alex’s wedding, Alex’s first child, Doug’s wedding, Doug’s first child, Dom’s wedding, Dom’s first child, etc. I should end up with about eight bottles I think, need some for my sister as well.

Maybe other people feel the same way about their friends, I’m not sure since I’ve never asked anyone. I know for me though, it is the most exciting thing about life for me. Getting to see the guys closest to me grow up and have families. I’m really looking forward to it.

Short story that I wrote for class…

Posted in Everyday Posts on June 13, 2012 by g0y3r

Desert Heat
The heat was alive that day. It breathed into us and flecked our skin with sweat; always present, always twisting around us. Sergeant Brady examined a map while Private Gerald drove the humvee slowly up the hill. There was a tip about a buried weapons stash here, turned out to be true. Our job was to lay down some explosives to destroy it, and then be on our way.
Onward to the stash we drove, wishing the A/C could drive away the heat that ate at our skin. My good buddy Private Bates asked if Gerald could go any slower, and he responded with a quip about Bates’ momma.
Then we heard a sound like two frying pans banging together. Gerald swore, and we groaned. Something must’ve broken, so Bates opened his door to have a look. He stepped out and the world ripped in two. I was blinded by an ugly red light; the heat seared the skin off my face; I felt like I was airborne then I was being crushed. I heard and saw nothing. If I was up, down, on my back, I had no idea. I was lost in my own body. If time passed I have no recollection of it. I remember thinking about my dad buying me ice cream in the summer.
A sharp tug at my shoulders brought the world back with a crash. The humvee was burning in the distance, shimmering in the heat. Brady and Gerald were next to me, helping me take off my gear. We were burnt and bloodied, and now at the mercy of the heat. Bates! Where was Bates? He was right there, I saw him, where did he go?
I wrote this journal entry that day: Desert heat. Delayed fuse. Friend vanished.

Sleepy and obsessed with that bass guitar

Posted in Everyday Posts on June 13, 2012 by g0y3r

This is again one of those moments where I thought I had something awesome to write about so I could at least of some sort of mid-week post to speak of, but once again I failed to write down those good ideas and I’m also sleepy, so I got nothing.

I have also procured a decent bass guitar, and I am becoming obsessed with that. It is actually rather scary, I have never been so obsessed with any one thing…well there are a couple of other things that are always on my mind, but that is another post in itself. So yeah, first musical instrument that I will actually practice everyday and in fact may have to force myself to stop playing from time to time.

The bass guitar has always called to me. I have always loved that sound, and I like the simplicity of the instrument. It doesn’t take much to be able to play well known and memorable bass lines. The big pro of course is that I can finally play with my extremely talented friends, such as Alex Xavier. An excellent musician and I have him to thank for getting me introduced to my new love, the Ibanez bass. I like Ibanez because they are a decent brand that make very lovely guitars. So yeah…that is all I got right now, I think I am about to retire and keep working on learning the pink panther theme.

Surfing, and why it is “gnarly bro!”

Posted in Everyday Posts on June 9, 2012 by g0y3r

I recently had the great privilege of getting an awesome roommate by the name of Ben. He is an all around awesome guy, and he is a surfer. Although he never says “gnarly bro!” unless he is making a joke, he does get very excited about surfing, using words that I can never comprehend. When observing the waves while walking at the beach, he often will exclaim, “Whoa! That was a nice right-hook-tube-tail-bowl-etc…” (I get lost in the jargon) and if it was a really good wave, all I hear is laughter. I think it was his enthusiasm for the sport that convinced me to give it a shot.

At first I wanted to go against the grain and be a rebel by NOT surfing, and I must explain. Everyone at some point in their life says, “I want to learn to surf.” Some people get that chance, some people don’t, but any way I was hearing everyone at school say how badly they wanted to learn, etc, and I knew boards were expensive, so I was like no… I think it would be cool, and I have body boarded some before, so I think I’m good. I won’t buy into the whole beach bum/surfer image just yet, I’m already too much of a beach bum. I still tried surfing a few times, I had a chance to take a free lesson and then went with Ben a couple times, but I just wasn’t feeling it. I preferred to just swim and catch some waves with my body. Which is also fun by the way, body surfing is cool too.

I finally realized that deep down, I knew that there was a lot of power behind this sport, that it was an ancient and skilled art, and the real reason I chose to avoid it was because I was afraid to fail. There is no bunny slope for surfing, you have to just go out and throw yourself into the act. So one day, I said to myself that I was not a quitter and I was not going to let this beat me.

Heh, heh, heh…The ocean had other ideas.

I went with Ben to the ocean for a surf session, borrowing his old short board. Which also added to the challenge, this was a pro board for someone that knew what they were doing, and I sir, had no clue what I was doing. The conditions were great, and I was determined to try my best. Essentially I ended up wrestling with the board trying to learn how to swim with it, while giving my nipples a nasty rash that later made them bleed, meanwhile getting pounded by waves whenever I got caught in the “impact zone” the area where all the waves break.  The only way out is to swim with your board, and duck dive underneath waves, which consists of pushing the board down with your weight and going under the wave with it. I never could get down quite far enough, so really all I was doing was letting the waves take my head off and then the board would get caught and suck me back further to shore.

So yeah, I spent some time spitting and cussing at the ocean, until finally I would reach the place where I could wait for a wave to ride. This is the fun part. The water is deep and relaxing, and if a big wave comes, its no trouble to get out of the way. I enjoy just sitting out there more than actually surfing.

Yet alas! There will come that swell that you know will be just right, so you turn around and begin to swim in front of it so that when it breaks, you can ride it in magnificent glory, a Greek beach god flying through the mystical spray of the ocean, gliding to a smooth halt before your worshipers.

Okay, not quite like that. I usually was on my board wrong, and the wave simply scooped up the back end and set it on my head. I was more of a screaming piece of drift wood than a Greek sea god. The waves that I did catch, I would go so fast that it would scare the shit out of me and I could only think about holding onto the board and not dying. Seriously, you have no idea how fast those boards go until you ride one. Then I would be stuck back in the impact zone, and have to start my long struggle back to the safety.

It was a long day. To make things more interesting, Ben was having a blast. He was grinning and yelling encouragement, just beaming and overflowing with joy. I signed that I was still alive and doing okay by flipping him the bird, much to his amusement.

Then it happened. I was ready to quit, I was sore, tired, bleeding from the nipples and covered in wax from fighting the board. I caught a great wave, I was going fast but I ignored it, and forced myself to stand.

I stood on top of the board and on top of the wave instead of under it, coasting a whole six feet before I fell back into the ocean. I came up grinning like the Cheshire cat. It was a brief moment of glory, but it was enough to make all the hours of struggle worth everything. It was like being a kid again.

So yeah, I’m still slowly getting better at surfing, but there is no way that I will quit now. I’m hooked.

Thanks Ben, I’m not sure you quite understand just what you did for me.

Ants and why I hate them

Posted in Everyday Posts on June 9, 2012 by g0y3r

I hate fire ants. If I could engineer some sort of nasty little apocalypse to wipe them from the earth, I would. Oh the little guys who clean up garbage and do good in the world can stay, but the fire ants must die. I often imagine that somewhere in the world is a hidden cave covered with red buttons inside silver boxes. Each box is labeled for a living thing, and if you push the button for their box, they instantly become extinct. I would be torn between fire ants and mosquitoes, but in the end I would reason that more species depend on mosquitoes as a food source, and despite all the harm they cause, it really would affect thousands of animals that feed on them. Or maybe not, but that would be the eternally unanswered question because I would choose fire ants.

I was going to write about how on a brighter note, since we are stuck with fire ants for the time being, that they really are fascinating creatures that people can learn a lot from. However that idea has soured to me after writing the above, and now I can only think about what an abomination they are. Fun fact, ants wage war on other colonies and actually have battle tactics for how they actually attack and defend their homes. They will even take prisoners to work in the hive. Some ants have massive bulldozer ants that act as tanks or just to move large objects.

Okay, yeah there was my little nature talk about how we shouldn’t hate or demonize any living thing, because they all have something special about them. Honestly though…

Fuck fire ants.