Lack of motivation and the loss of a soul
We’ve all had that feeling. That “I don’t think I’ll get out of bed today” feeling. The “do I really have to do that right now?” when you only want to sit and watch the world go by. Despite always feeling terrific whenever I actually do something ahead of time, I remain a stubborn slow poke when it comes to ever doing anything. Especially writing, oh man I can never force myself to sit down and write anything. Whenever I think, “oh I should really work on a story/blog post” I instantly find something else to do, usually unproductive. Yet…there is something deeper than laziness. Something about life as a whole has lost its luster. I simple don’t find many things to be interesting or exciting anymore. It’s like the volume on everything has been turned down and the color drained. This feeling comes and goes, so maybe it is only depression and boredom. There is another feeling that keeps scratching at the back of my mind though.
It may be strange to say, but I feel that my soul perished some time ago. Since that mark in my life, my true self has sat watching me carry on forward into life, and only in death will my body and soul be rejoined. A backwards way to look at things indeed, but I cannot help but feel that I am watching myself from a far place. My soul and mind are no longer one, what remains now is the flesh but the spirit has sat down by the wayside. My flesh has carried one without the soul, and now one watches the other and waits for the day when they will be whole again.
No way to test the validity of that of course, it is only a feeling after all. Or maybe depression is only a symptom, and that when your soul departs, depression is the wound left behind. I’m sure I could get some support for this idea. Only now I’m curious as to what cures depression. I’ve avoided medication of any kind and managed just fine despite the whole “life is drained of all color” and general depressed feelings. Working out and being active helps, and I know dieting has an effect as well. Writing is a big part of what keeps me in order and gives release to most things.
So who knows, maybe if I find an end to my depression I will get my soul back.